“In the presidential race, Joe Biden has won the state of Vermont, the safety state of Georgia is still too close to call, but Trump has nabbed Alabama. And you have to see that coming. I mean, Alabama loves football, which is Trump’s exact body shape, so that wasn’t really a surprise.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Look, I don’t know why you’re so surprised about Florida. First off, I went to college in Florida — that’s what you don’t remember. I can tell you about Florida. Ain’t but two good things in Florida: South Beach and Disney World. The rest of Florida is just strange people in pickup trucks trying to sell you baby alligators.” — ROY WOOD JR., “The Daily Show” correspondent on Florida being called for Trump
“It makes sense because Trump is like — Trump is the ultimate Florida mascot, you know? He’s got the tan, all his friends are in jail, somehow he has money.” — TREVOR NOAH
“This is crazy! That means Trump hugged all those cactuses for nothing.” — TREVOR NOAH, on Biden taking the lead in Arizona
“And Biden has also won California — wow! Despite Donald Trump picking up that last-minute endorsement from the wildfires. Unbelievable.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Ohio has just been called for Donald Trump. It’s gone from the Buckeye state to the ‘[expletive] why?’ state.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Ohio going to Trump
“What do you expect? It’s the same solid judgment that took a perfectly good bowl of chili and said, ‘Know what this needs? Spaghetti.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Well, you know the old joke about Ohio: What’s round on both ends and [expletive] in the head? Ohio.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Let’s start in Maryland, where CBS projects that Joe Biden has defeated Donald Trump. ‘[imitating Trump] But Maryland and I have so much in common. We’re both known for giving people crabs.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“We are now able to project that Delaware has been won by Joe Biden. Well, I should hope so, it’s his home state. That would be like Donald Trump losing New York. [beat] He what? That’s gotta sting.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Well, you know what they say: If you can make it here, you’re not Donald Trump.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“And a little further west or north, I’m not sure, Indiana has just been called for Donald Trump. Well, of course — it was either vote for him or take Mike Pence back. That’s an easy call.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“And for any Oakies wondering how your pan is being handled, I can now confidently report that the state of Oklahoma is being called for Donald Trump. Well, you know how the song goes: [singing] ‘Oklahoma where they don’t care Trump killed Herman Cain.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Biden won the hearts of Bostonians with his stirring message of telling a guy from New York to shut the hell up.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Biden taking Massachusetts
“Of course in New Hampshire in 2020, ‘Live Free or Die’ isn’t just a motto, it was the two choices on the ballot.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Biden’s New Hampshire’s win
“Turns out the Constitution state prefers someone who has read the Constitution.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, on Biden taking Connecticut
“No surprise, Donald Trump has also won Tennessee, which has an actual state gun, the Barrett 50 Caliber M82, which I’m being told has also won its senate seat.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“First up, New Hampshire. Incumbent Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen has defeated Republican Corky Messner. And the 231 year streak of no Corkys in Congress continues.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“And in Kentucky, Mitch McConnell has defeated Democrat Amy McGrath. So it appears, unlike his hands, Mitch McConnell’s seat will not be turning blue.” — TREVOR NOAH
“And in South Carolina, Republican Lindsey Graham has defeated Democratic challenger Jamie Harrison. Not really a big surprise. The South has continued to keep a confederate monument, makes sense.” — TREVOR NOAH
“We can also officially guesstimate that the Massachu-chu Senate race has been called for Democratic Senator Ed Markey. Senator Markey is the incumbent and the co-author of The New Green Deal, so it’s fitting that Massachusetts has decided to reuse him.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Some Dust Bowl results have blown in. Oklahoma Senate race has been called for G.O.P. incumbent and global warning denier Jim Inhoff. Inhoff was heavily favored to win so he wasn’t sweating the outcome. He was sweating because for some reason every year it’s warmer than the previous one.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
Colbert’s Showtime special offered a soothing end to a nail biting night with “Things that Feel As Satisfying As You Want This To.”